December 11, 2006 - As I remember it

To follow yesterday's post of memories from three years ago, this is the third anniversary of Ella's birth.

Eben came home from work, we had breakfast, and since I was still on bedrest, I took full advantage and was lazy all morning. I took the dog out but that was about it.

I had a doctor's appointment that morning (as usual for a Monday) at 11:30. I was always the last appointment before lunch. Knowing that I would be hungry when I left, I made lunch plans with Tiffany for afterward. We were to go eat some pasta and then do a quick trip to Wal Mart to pick up essential items. (I was sneaking there since I wasn't supposed to be going anywhere...but I was going crazy being at home.)

Harley dog would not come back inside for me, so I ended up having to wake up Eben to have him help me. He was not amused (remember what I said yesterday about Eben not knowing we even had a puppy?). I left for the doctor with some peanut butter crackers in my purse in case I would be there for awhile.

The first order of the appointment was to lie in a chair and have a non-stress test performed. I was reading a book and chatting with Alice about the book. She would come in and check the printout, chat with me, ask a few questions, and then leave. She did this about four times in the course of 20 minutes. Once she brought Dr. Downing in with her. He looked at the printout. They left. He came back. Asked a few questions. I knew something was wrong.

My heart sank. I was scared. I didn't know why I was scared or what was wrong. But I just knew something was.

He came back to the room and looked me right in the eye and said, "You are going to have this baby today." I was so shocked because I knew I wasn't in labor. So why did he think that? Then he explained what was wrong, and I went from shock to fear to excitement to fear to shock. We went to his office to talk about our plan for the day. I begged him to let me go home to pack a bag. I wanted to see Harley dog. I wanted to wake up Eben and tell him in person. I was not permitted to leave. I was wearing my favorite black maternity shirt that day. And my favorite maternity jeans. And my hair looked awesome. And I had peanut butter crackers in my purse. I wasn't allowed to eat them, but they were there.

I had to go out and sit in the office while he made some phone calls. I had to call Eben. I hoped he would wake up and answer the phone. Finally, after calling three times, he heard the phone and picked up. He was scared when he heard my voice; I think I was scared hearing my voice, too. I told him we were going to have our baby that day. He asked me to repeat what I had just said. So I did. Then he said, "Does this mean I need to call off work?" I will never forget that quote as long as I live. I gently explained that since were headed to surgery at 5:30, he would need to at least call to say he would be late. Ha ha.

I walked to L & D and called Tiffany to cancel our lunch date.

I got to my room and the nurses started getting me ready and prepped. I had bloodwork done, an IV inserted, and met a hospitalist who was supposed to manage my blood sugar while I was waiting for surgery. Eben came with the essentials - some clothes for me, the camera, and my toothbrush. The nurse allowed me to brush my teeth after I promised her that I would not swallow any water.

My mom called in the midst of this. She wanted to know where I was. Our conversation went like this:

Mom: Where are you?

Me: At the hospital.

Mom: Oh, how long will you be there?

Me: Until Thursday, probably.

Mom: WHHHHHAAAAATTTTT? Oh my God. I'll be right up. Haveyoucalledanyone?Doesanyoneknowyouarethere? IsEbenwithyou? Doyouneedanything?

(There it is, ladies and gentlemen...the source of my hysterics...lol)

It wasn't long, a few minutes, really, before my entire family and the patrons of Tumbleweed knew that I was going to have a baby. :) (Mom happened to be at Tumbleweed eating a late lunch.)

The rest of the afternoon was a blur. People in and out. Almost dying twice. Poking and prodding. Shaving. Pictures. Almost dying twice.

Did I mention I almost died twice? Yeah. Remember that guy I was telling you about earlier? The one who was supposed to manage my blood sugar before surgery? That guy? Well...he kept putting insulin into my system through an IV and I wasn't eating anything. My blood sugar dropped below 40 twice within 30 minutes. I have never been so sick in my life. Hard to believe that Ella was born with low blood sugar, isn't it?

Anyway. Back to happiness.

I was taken for surgery earlier than planned because Dr. Downing got finished that day earlier than he had planned. My drug man, Chris, was awesome. The waiting room was full of friends and family. My sister pushed my bed until she got stopped by the nurse. I got a spinal, and life was awesome. I giggled so much they had a hard time getting me down on the bed into the correct position. Eben came in then, dressed in his scrubs, and looking quite scared.

At 5:05 p.m., I saw her. Dr. Downing lifted her up so I could see her. She was covered in goo but her eyes were so bright. Eben was snapping pictures. The lullaby played in the hospital so everyone would know she was born.

The next few hours were painful as hell. Pain I can still remember three years later. Opening my eyes somehow affected my stomach. I never learned in any science course that your eyelids were connected to your stomach, but I swear mine were that day.

But you know what? It was all worth it. And I did get to take some kick-ass pills to kill the pain.

I brought home a perfect bundle of joy. A beautiful baby girl.

Last week, I cleaned out the purse I had been carrying that day. I found my peanut butter crackers.

Three years of memories

Three years ago today, I had a normal day for me. It was Eben's birthday, and he was working midnights. Ate breakfast. Injected myself with insulin. Checked blood sugar. Ate lunch while Eben slept. Injected myself with insulin. Checked blood sugar. Checked blood sugar. Ate pizza for supper with BFF and Patt. Injected myself with insulin. Checked blood sugar. Played with Harley dog. Slept all night.

This was a pretty normal day in month 9 of my pregnancy. Swollen feet and all.

I had no idea that night when I went to bed that I would never sleep as soundly as I did that night again. I had no idea of the love that was possible in my heart. I had no idea how damn good it would feel to be called Mommy. I had no idea how much I would miss feeling a baby kick my ribs and bladder hundreds of times a day.

There are so many memories that have been running in my mind the past few weeks...from the "before Ella" time of my life.

I still remember how I told my friends and family about being pregnant. I remember Tiffany calling me on the phone to say congratulations. I remember sitting on the floor in my hallway scraping wallpaper (nesting as some would call it; stupidity is more like it) talking to her on the phone.

I remember the first belly picture that was taken at Tom's birthday party in August. I remember shopping for maternity clothes, baby furniture, baby bedding, baby gear, more maternity clothes, and more baby gear. I remember being in the Valley of Fire State Park walking on a trail in 110 degree weather in August.

I remember when I saw Harley dog as a puppy and fell in love. I remember waking up Eben to tell him we had to go pick up our puppy. (He was not amused as he didn't know we even had a puppy...) I remember potty training Harley Dog. Everyone told me it was great practice for having a baby. (For the record, Ella has only peed on the floor once; I can't say the same for Harley Dog.)

I remember the baby showers. Every minute of them. I remember the tiny pink clothes. I remember the tiny diapers. I remember the way the clothes smelled. I remember the way the lotions smelled.

I remember the anticipation. The excitement. The unknown that was coming. I remember when we found out we were having a girl. I remember naming her officially on the plane ride to Reno in August. (Well, I think *I* officially named her many years ago and then told Eben what she would be called.)

I remember that I was so excited to see snow that year. I remember that seeing snow meant Ella would be arriving soon. I remember it was warm the day I gave birth and did not snow for a week.

I remember we had friends over to celebrate Eben's birthday early. I remember breaking up Angel food cake and mixing it with sugar-free pudding so I could have a sweet treat that wouldn't send my blood sugar through the roof. I remember stirring that, giggling, and being nervous as hell that I would soon have to prepare food for someone other than myself (and not just eat popcorn for supper).

I remember the next night going to John and Pam's house to celebrate Tom's graduation from Franklin. I remember I had a half glass of wine. It was Concord. It was yummy.

I remember the next day (Saturday, December 9) not getting around too well because my feet were so swollen. I had to rest. I think I remember reading a book.

All of these memories have been crashing into my head as I look at my daughter...my almost-three-year-old daughter. She has no baby fat anymore. She looks like a person instead of a baby. A tiny version of me. A tiny version of her dad. A great mix of the two of us.

Tonight, we will gather as a family to celebrate her third birthday. I can't believe that time has gone by so quickly.

Living inspired is born in the awareness that this is it! We have one chance at life. And the wonderful gift we are given every morning is the choice of how we are going to live that moment, that day.
~Sally Cofer-Lindberg

I saw this quote today in my inbox (you can subscribe to a daily inspirational message by clicking here) and it made me start to think of how I am choosing to spend my days. Do I want to spend them happy or angry? Sad and hurt or happy and positive?

People who choose to live negatively are not only buzzkills for those of us who are happy, but they create darkness and breed negativity wherever they go. Reminds me of that old saying of how we all make people smile; some when we come and some when we go.

Some people would rather stew in bitterness and hate than to make a choice to go ahead and walk down the happy road.

I also don't think it was a coincidence to see this quote on a Monday morning...with all of the complaining about hating Mondays...we all know that Monday comes every week. We should be thankful we get to see another one, don't you think?

Some Great Quotes

About belief, happiness, and passion...

What happens when you believe something with all your heart? Belief fuels enthusiasm, and determined enthusiasm explodes into passion. It fires our souls and lifts our spirits.
~Mac Anderson

The components of happiness are quite simple. Happiness is gentleness, peace, concentration, simplicity, forgiveness, humor, fearlessness, trust, and now. In its true form each quality includes all the rest, for happiness is whole, and one feels whole when genuinely happy.
~Hugh Prather

Only you can make you happy.
~Marty Martinson

Thankfulness

Listening to Bob and Sheri’s annual “I’m thankful for” chatroom today (bobandsheri.com) made me start to think of the things I have to be thankful for in 2009. There have been surprises, triumphs, challenges, and hard times; however, I have made it out on the other side with a new attitude and pride. I present my list for 2009:

Of course, first on the list is Ella Grace. We have had an amazing year together. I am thankful each day that she is a bright, delightful little girl.

This is my boyfriend, Dave. I love him. We are awesome together, and no one can take that away from us. No one. We laugh together, love together, and live life together. As long as he is by my side, I can handle anything.

Of course, this is Ella again with Eben. Yes, I'm thankful for him too. Some may think it is weird for me to publish a photo of the man I married under the photo of my boyfriend, but these two men are important in my life and I am thankful for them both. Hands down, I am most thankful that Eben is Ella's father. He loves her more than anything else in this world. He is the best dad. Ever. He is teaching her all of the things I don't know anything about and making her a well-rounded child in the process.

I am also thankful that we are a "model" for other divorced parents. I was told that I should write a book about how to treat an ex when raising children. Truly, divorce doesn't have to be hard. We are living examples of that. Maybe when I get going on writing again, I will start to write blog entries about our experiences to share with others.

I'm thankful for my BFF. She is Ah-May-Zing! No matter what, no matter when, no matter anything...she's there for me. We have laughed so hard this year our stomachs have hurt (and certainly we have gotten more wrinkles!). She has picked me off the floor (not literally because I'm so much bigger than she is) and kicked me in the butt when I needed it. No judging. Ever. She's the best.

My parents have recently started playing cards with Dave and me. This picture was taken when they beat us the first time. I'm thankful for the laughs and also for the butt kicking they gave us. It humbled me and made me step up my game a little bit. I also realized that it's not really always about winning or losing. What a lesson to learn!

Let's not forget the other things that are "gimmies": health, the means to live life, family, friends, and a job that fills me full each day. I got to take some trips this year - back to New Orleans and Chicago - attended an OSU football game - purchased some cool jewelry - turned 30 - WILL FINISH my master's degree in a few weeks - purchased some awesome shoes - learned how to use an electric sander - spent so much time on my deck that I forgot what the inside of my house looked like - visited with family near and far - and learned tons about myself.

I'm a happy girl. And I'm thankful for all of my blessings - big and small - on this Thanksgiving.

{{{Waving}}}

Whoa. Haven't been around here for awhile. I have been busy riding around on this ferris wheel of life.

Turned 30. You know...have too many things to remember in my advanced age that I forgot about writing for a bit. A book I just finished this morning made me remember this blog existed. I have plants that are dying outside because I forget to water them and I have no excuse because I see them everyday. Heck, Ella asks for food on a regular basis and I still forget to feed her (just kidding, Mom).

So I bought some new shoes today. Well...they are actually boots. Black ones. And they are awesome. I can't wait for cooler weather so I can wear them.

This book I finished reading is called Firefly Lane (I don't know how to do fancy hyperlinks or anything...just go to Amazon and search for it). It's a very large book (are they called novels?) that I could not put down. Except to feed my daughter and shower. And clean the house. And go to work. And and and...you get the point. It took me a few weeks to read it, but I am proud of myself for doing it. When I realized one day that I was on page 200 and I remembered every part of the story, the characters, and their stories, I had one of those lightbulb moments. You know the ones that make you wake up and say, "I did it!" I am able to read now - rather, to focus on something longer than five minutes. I think I'm on the road to reading recovery. Woot!

In honor of now being able to read again, I picked up two new books at the bookstore today. I can't wait to jump in.

I'm going to focus on writing. It really helps. I can feel myself starting to relax a little bit. Maybe tonight I will sleep longer than a few hours? One can hope.

Change Changes Everything

Six months ago, I never would have dreamed of giving up on something that I had always wanted because I knew my own limitations.

Six months ago, I never would have dreamed that I would be learning and growing as much as I am now.

Six months ago, I never would have understood exactly what “the end of my rope” felt like.

Six months ago, I never would have emptied, reloaded, and reemptied the dishwasher in the course of two hours.

Six months ago, I never would have known my true strength.

Six months ago, I never would have admitted that comfort is not what should dictate choices in life.

Six months ago, I never would have imagined that a shopping spree was not a weekend ritual but something that needed to be saved for and planned out in advance. (Or that I would need to purchase pants two sizes smaller.)

Six months ago, I never would have felt tortured knowing that I had to go two-and-a-half days without getting kisses and love from my daughter, let alone seven.

Six months ago, I never would have imagined that the road to happiness was filled with as many pot holes and slow drivers as it is.

I realize now that I am stronger than I thought, I am more loved than I thought, and that I am right where I am supposed to be. The choices and decisions I have made have led me here, and while right now I have given up control of a few situations, I realize that I have done everything I was *supposed* to do, even if I didn’t realize it before. I have learned that letting go will not change the outcome, even if that outcome is not completely what I would have wanted or would have chosen. It is the outcome that is supposed to be.

Clarity. Peace. Serenity.