Communication is Key

Welcome to my first installment in the series "Divorce Doesn't Have to Be Hard." I'm not sure where this series will take me, if I'll ever post another installment, or if this will become a separate blog on its own. It is absolutely something I have been wanting to do for quite some time, and I want to start with a disclaimer that these are my thoughts only. My only "training" in this area came from the School of Life. So here goes.

Raising children is difficult.

It's difficult when the parents live in the same household, eat meals at the same time, and live life together. It exponentially gets more difficult when those parents separate and no longer have unlimited access to each other.

This is when our communication becomes more important than anything in relation to the child. BOTH parents must put aside their anger and focus on the child. BOTH parents must acknowledge that the other parent has ideas and plans and wants and needs and they must BOTH be free with expressing those and listening to the other parent. When ideas start getting kicked around, communication should immediately begin, especially if the idea is going to in some way impact the other parent.

For example, Eben and I have a very different "custody" arrangement than normal because it is based on his work schedule. Essentially, Ella is with him every day he is off. I have a calendar that contains my life (heaven forbid I ever lose it!) and I know at a glance if she is with me or him on any given day. However, since life is all about change, I have to be willing to adjust my life and schedule at times to accommodate Eben working overtime. As soon as he knows about overtime, he calls me or sends an email so that I am aware and can prepare for it.

There have also been times when I have had to leave town for a conference on days he is supposed to work. I immediately call him and give him the dates so we can adjust our schedules.

There will always be some give and take involved when you are raising children together but separately. BOTH parents must respect the other's time with the children and notify each other PRIOR to setting firm plans.

Another example: I wanted to sign Ella up for dance lessons. I looked at the schedule, checked my own schedule, and consulted with Eben BEFORE I ever sent in a registration. I gave him the day and time options that were available and we chose the day and time for the lessons together. He knew up front that he would be responsible for bringing her to dance lessons on the Saturday mornings she was with him. He gave me the okay to sign her up. We even took her together in the same car for her first class. I expect this communication to continue in this way when we make decisions regarding sports, activities, and even school functions in the future.

The bottom line is that you have to communicate with the other parent. If perhaps communication was one of the problems in your relationship, you may need to adjust the way in which you communicate. Both parents need to realize this and focus on making the best of a bad situation for the child's sake.

Funny Girl...

Bed Head

I was inspired to write this post while in the bathroom this morning...looking in the mirror at my crazy-perfect bed head. At 5 a.m.

Once a month, Dave and I have a week where the house is quiet, we have no schedule, and the dishwasher fills with coffee cups instead of plates and forks. {It's that silver lining thing again.} We miss our kids (aka children for those of you more formal than I) very much when they are not with us. We miss the high activity level in the house - we miss the noise of life with two kids. We miss playing dress up and cooking green pepper soup in Ella's bedroom; we miss hearing the (sometimes-annoying) buzzing of Miles's cell phone. It's just...quiet.

On the flip side, we enjoy our freedom. Our freedom from ensuring the kids are properly fed, bathed, brushed, and presentable. Our freedom from picking up their dirty clothes, empty cups, and random toys. Our freedom to socialize with friends in an adult setting.

Last night was one of those nights. We ate dinner out with friends to celebrate a birthday and then went to our favorite adult establishment down by the river. We sat on the patio, listened to the DJ, and drank our cold adult beverages in a responsible fashion. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

It was freeing. And glorious.

We had to leave earlier than we wanted, because even though we were free, we were not free from responsibility. Dave has started a job where he works all weekends, and those mornings begin at 4:30. We needed sleep.

The house is where we can be totally free. We reconnect here; we build memories here. We live here; we love here.

It was the perfect crisp, almost-fall night. All of the windows were closed except two in the bedroom (I wanted to let in a little cool air, but did not wish to make it polar ice cap in here). We climbed into bed and I snuggled up to my love. There is this spot on Dave's chest that is my spot to put my head. It is located just below his shoulder, and I fit there perfectly. My anatomy-geek friends (whom I love dearly) probably know the proper term for this piece of real estate on Dave's chest; however, I call it my spot. (And wouldn't that be weird if I called it my spot and that spot on every man's chest was called my spot? I would have to go around signing that spot on every man because it was named after me. I'd never get anything done.)

I curled up, kissed Dave good night, and fell into the most relaxing sleep. Ever.

It was a deep sleep, filled with nothing but sleeping. I had no dreams (that I can recall) and did not wake until the alarm(s) went off at 4:30. When I wiped the sleep from my eyes and walked into the bathroom, I noticed that my bed head this morning was perfect. My hair looked better at 5 a.m. than it did last night when we were out on the town. I woke up in a state of perfection, after having a perfect night's sleep.

{bliss}