Sick Baby

So much for keeping this thing updated for the new year. Tonight, I will write to renew my commitment to myself to keep going and hopefully spark something within. I normally write for therapy (it's free), and I'm certain people will say that I haven't written because I haven't needed therapy. While that statement is not at all true, I have chosen to give myself therapy in other ways (like reading and just being in this world), but tonight I am compelled to write.

In some ways, my problems are too deep and personal for me to discuss in such a public forum...having others see the real me and then open myself to judgement scares me a little bit.

My little peanut is sick and has been sick for two days. I have stated before that divorce shouldn't be hard (and I still maintain that fact), but it isn't until something is actually real that you can experience certain moments in it. I'm experiencing Ella being sick and being with her dad. It's hard when all I want to do is cuddle her and keep her safe and spoil her with popsicles and soup and shhh...candy. And maybe even a new Barbie. Or some other toy she will play with for a few days and then drop into the toy box and forget until she unearths it three months from now. But that would be okay because she is sick.

It was hard hearing that her stand-in mommy made her soup yesterday and cuddled on the couch watching movies. It was hard hearing her say that her stand-in mommy took care of her. I realize that she is more than a stand-in mommy, and in fact, I am pleased with the choice Eben has made. It was just so hard because she was an hour away. It's not like I could drive across town to cuddle with her.

Haters would say, "It's not that far, Marcie. You should have been there for your child." But what would that have been saying to the other party? "I don't trust your judgement." "I don't think you can handle this."??? Would that have been fair? Would that have undermined him in some way to our daughter, the girl we chose to raise together even if we are apart?

I did, fortunately, get to cuddle with her at the doctor today. We adults worked together to decide to take her to the doctor, and we worked together on how to schedule the appointment to maximize the time Ella would be in town. I moved a mountain out of my way at work today so I could leave, attend the appointment, and get back to work in time for a meeting. I guess that is better than not knowing that she even had an appointment, right?

I have said it before, communication is key. The adults communicated about what is best for the little person involved. The adults showed their united front --- yet again --- to everyone including the doctor, the other adults involved, and most importantly, to the little person who makes the sun rise and set in our lives.

The emotions were pushed aside to do what was best for our child. The emotions were put away in their little brown paper sack (BPS) and brought back out only after the immediate issue was dealt with. Tonight, I dealt with those emotions. I cried because I was not sitting on MY couch cuddling with MY peanut. Then I thanked God because she was cuddling with her dad on his couch in the other place she is safe and sound and well cared for.

My BPS is a mixed bag, and slowly, as time goes on, I am able to deal with each emotion within. Progress.

Item #1 on shopping list: Toy for Ella.